Cuckolding and Femdom are not the same sexual kink. While they often co-exist in male fantasies, wanting to experience one doesn’t mean you want to experience the other.

Neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam analyzed one billion sex-related search terms for their 2012 book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts. They found that cuckold-related searches rank #2 among most searched for sexual content on the internet. Despite the popularity of cuckolding, I believe there is a pervasive misperception about the nature of cuckolding.

Where does this confusion come from? In pornography and erotic literature, the cuckold is commonly portrayed as weak, submissive, and powerless. We are frequently left with an impression of the cuckold as a pathetic man forced to endure high levels of humiliation and infidelity against his will. He is characterized, frankly, as an undesirable man unworthy of having a lover. While some men do find this type of behavior exciting, Femdom and Erotic Humiliation (also a separate kink) are the primary drivers of this fantasy. Cuckolding can be used as a vessel for delivering submission and humiliation. However, submission and humiliation aren’t the essence of cuckolding.

A typical porn video of “cuckolding” would have us believe a woman goes to her cuckold and says, “You are a pathetic excuse for a man, undesirable, and completely unsatisfying. I’m going to fuck other men to get what I need and expect you to watch. I’m going to show you how much disdain I have for you by smacking you in the face with my Bull’s (as the “other man” is sometimes called) cock, make you suck his fat dick, lick his balls, and watch him fuck me. Then, you will eat his cum from my pussy.” Again, this is not the essence of cuckolding.

Amateur cuckold videos–videos by real cuckold couples–offer a distinctly different vibe. These videos are extremely light on female domination and erotic humiliation of the cuckold and focused more on the woman’s pleasure. We see sexy interactions with the couple as the cuckold moves around the room with free will to capture the video footage and take photos for the couple to enjoy together at a later point.

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As I advance in Cuckold: A Brief Introduction (note: a link to all referenced posts is included at the end of article), the essence of cuckolding—traits shared by all cuckolds—involves a couple in a loving relationship, the woman is having sex with another man or men, and both the cuckoldress and cuckold find it enjoyable. Beyond these core characteristics, the cuckold kink explodes wildly with other fetishes layers upon it which may include Femdom and Erotic Humiliation.

I’ve mentioned Erotic Humiliation several times but will try to minimize discussing it here. I have a separate post Erotic Humiliation – Exploring the Layers available where I explore the psychology of this kink and provide examples, one of which is Small Penis Teasing…a personal favorite.

If we step back and think about it objectively, what woman would really be interested in a man represented in the way cuckolds are often portrayed? Very few. In reality, the woman loves the man she is cuckolding. He has competed for her and won her love and affection. The last thing a cuckoldress wants to do is hurt her lover or damage the relationship. Further, if the man being cuckolded doesn’t find it sexually exciting, by definition, it ceases to be a sexual kink. For anyone to believe she would continue this form of sexual exploration against her lover’s desire is lost in a fantasy world.

Common cuckold portrayals also misrepresent the real-life cuckold. Far from being pathetic, a man that can actually pull off cuckolding in real life is typically a driven, self-confident, successful, alpha-male type that adores his lover and she adores him. I frequently read blogs by submissive women expressing their Dom’s desire to see her with another man. These women may even be unaware of the influence of cuckolding in their play because of how closely male submission (rather than female submission) is incorrectly associated with cuckolding.

I assure you, it takes a high level of self-assuredness to actually invite another man between your lover’s legs. Also, it is the man that most often introduces the concept of cuckolding to his lover as part of their erotic exploration. The cuckold is often the visionary and director of the erotic scene playing out before him.

Contrary to being cuckolded against his will, the cuckold experiences a highly-desired mind fuck which I explore in Cuckold: Mind Bender. While being with another man is exciting and pleasurable for the woman, her greatest pleasure comes from seeing and knowing how turned on she is making her man. The cuckold’s increased arousal comes back to her in the form of increased attentiveness and affection. I explore this circuitous flow of erotic energy in Sperm Wars: Seeding Passion’s Flame.

So, if porn isn’t representing the essence of cuckolding, they must be doing something right because what they are creating is very popular. What then are we seeing? I believe we are most frequently witnessing the layering of three kinks: Femdom, Erotic Humiliation, and Cuckolding.

Femdom is a dominant female and submissive male relationship. Just think about 50 Shades in reverse. If you are a woman with submissive fantasies, it shouldn’t be much of a stretch to see how a man could derive pleasure from a similar submissive fantasy. In Femdom, the woman comes to us in several related forms: Mistress, Goddess, and Dominatrix are examples. The man is revealed as a sub, slave, boy, pet, or sissy (some of this includes humiliation play). In Femdom, the man’s first order of sexual arousal is to worship his lover and/or be submissive. Erotic humiliation is a common erotic layer added to the Femdom fantasy and also to cuckolding. Erotic humiliation, however, is not an essential element of Femdom or cuckolding—both can exist without it. I explore male chastity and restraint as an element of Femdom in Cock Cage: Achilles Last Stand. I provide many savory examples of erotic humiliation in American Gigolo – The Contract.

This dominant-female, humiliation-based scenario is passed off, promoted, and commonly perceived as representing the essence of cuckolding. Based on its popularity, I believe a majority of men drawn to porn’s version of cuckolding are actually devotees of Femdom and erotic humiliation. However, there are plenty of men I have personally witnessed (while serving as a Bull) and interacted with over the years that desire to experience cuckolding without any form of dominant female play or humiliation being present. Since cuckolding clearly exists without power play and erotic humiliation, male submission and humiliation aren’t essential elements of cuckolding.

In my video Naughty Angel: Dominant Cuckold I depict a cuckold scenario (one that happens to represent my cuckold fantasy with added kinks layered onto it) featuring a dominant cuckold and submissive cuckoldress. This has been one of my most popular posts and seems to resonate with both men and women. The video is couple centered, captures the couple’s emotional connection, and shows how cuckold play is about the couple’s erotic journey. In other words, it captures the essence of cuckolding. It also features the cuckold as a dominant, desirable man rather than submissive, weak, and powerless. It demonstrates cuckolding can exist without male submission and even with male dominance. Through this inversion of power, it also shows that Femdom isn’t a necessary attribute of cuckolding.

My intent here isn’t diminish Femdom play. I don’t in any way look down on men drawn to Femdom fantasy and can see why some guys might enjoy it. In a world where men are expected to be strong and dominant, Femdom can provide a nice mind-fuck and escape from reality through power inversion. In defense of Femdom purists, there are many men that would love to be submissive and serve a dominant woman within an emotionally vested relationship. However, this same man might also be crushed if his Goddess cuckolded him. Being submissive doesn’t inherently mean a man wants to be cuckolded. And, being cuckolded doesn’t mean a man wants to be submissive. While they may coexist in male fantasies, they are not the same.

Ladies, there is a good chance you will meet a man that will one day reveal his cuckold fantasy. Rather than envisioning yourself in leather and flogging your collared submissive mate as he wears girly clothing, you should ask him to tell you more. Hopefully, you are in a better place now to to assess the relative influence of power play, erotic humiliation, and cuckolding in his fantasy and how it might blend in with your own fantasies to create a unique experience that makes you both hot…for each other.

I’d like close with a personal example from my relationship with Sienna. Sienna was a special lover and, in time, she would cuckold me. I have bits and pieces of our journey here – Sensual Shadows. I once sent an image similar to this to Sienna.

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I’ll let you imagine how a Dominatrix might have responded to this image. Here is how an aspiring submissive cuckoldress interpreted its meaning:

Michael – Apparently I’m not the only man that fantasizes about his lover experiencing the deep, fulfilling pleasure of MORE from a well-hung black man. Then again, perhaps a woman created this image and she is communicating the dark desire for more that some sexy girls crave but keep hidden. What does the image say to you, lover?

Sienna – Baby! Mmmmmm, I love what you wrote…so hot! It is something I have always secretly craved and wanted to experience but never thought I would until I met you. As I think about this image, it signifies the sexual freedom, trust, and powerful erotic connection we share. It shows my trust in you that I can accept this gift of pleasure you have provided without hurting our relationship. It shows your trust and confidence in the deeper, more meaningful love we share. You know that no matter how well he fucks me, I will come back to you because you are the man I love. While the experience is different for us–mine is more physical and yours is more cerebral–our emotional experience is shared. As good as the physical is for me, I know the pleasure of the mind fuck is equally, if not more, intense for you as you take great pleasure orchestrating the flow and capturing the details for us to enjoy over and over again long after our Black Bull has completed his stud service. Ultimately, it gives us both great satisfaction and leads to a deeper more satisfying love for US! Hopefully this makes sense and I’m not too “out there” on this. Mmmm, I LOVE you!!!

No, she wasn’t too far “out there” with her reply. In fact, she was divine. Now, smile for the camera my Naughty Angel….

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Postscript:

I’ve underlined and italicized several previously published articles related to cuckolding. If you would like to read more, my cuckold-related content is available here – Cuckolding.